Introspection & a commitment to change

Becoming an adoptive parent is daunting and it tends to make me want to just put my best self forward—hence the big gap in posts here on this blog. I have not been feeling at my best; actually I’ve been feeling pretty worthless; but I feel the need to be completely transparent and let all see my weaknesses as well as my strengths. So, here is what I have been dealing with lately.

As I sit to write this post, my heart is turned inward. The past few months have been a struggle for me. On one hand, I have reached peace regarding the fact that I am unable to physically bear more children. In the past, when someone has shared with me the joyous news of their pregnancy I am happy for them in the moment but as soon as I am away from them I break down, so sorrowful for my own inability to conceive. A month or so ago, my best friend called me to let me know she was expecting. I was so thrilled for her. I hung up the phone, expecting tears, but none came. The knowledge that I have that we are supposed to grow our family through adoption was prevalent in my mind and my heart didn’t hurt for what I did not have. What a breakthrough this was!

 

Unfortunately, even though I have been at peace with the course our life is taking I find myself floundering.  I have felt far from my Heavenly Father. I know in my heart and mind that what I need to do is immerse myself in his teachings and his love. And I need to serve others. However, the motivation is gone. The desire to do better has waned.

 

I had a huge wake-up call yesterday at church. As I sat there alone, I felt the deep loneliness of a lost sheep. No, I’m not questioning my testimony. I know without a doubt that Jesus Christ is my Savior; that God is my Heavenly Father; and that their love for me is eternal. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is his true and living gospel on the earth today. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that he saw God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ in answer to his humble prayer about which church he should join. I know that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. I know all these things—not just believe—but KNOW. I have not lost that certainty. But I have lost the comfort and peace and the joy that the gospel used to bring.

 

The quote from President Spencer W. Kimball came to my mind: “I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns. I find myself loving more intensely those whom I must love with all my heart and mind and strength, and loving them more, I find it easier to abide their counsel.”

 

So, here is my plan of action. I will be taking a journey to become closer to my Savior and find that joy again.

I will be in the scriptures daily;

not just listening to them while at work.

 

I will read the book “Becoming His” by Emily Freeman

& apply its principles into my life so I can become his disciple and reacquaint myself with him.

 

I will study the lessons in advance each Sunday so that the Holy Ghost can speak to me the things I need to learn (I have already been reading them but not studying them).

 

I will pray for opportunities to look outside myself and serve those around me.

 

I will also be compiling a binder of talks that I have listened to that have inspired me. At work while I listen to the Mormon Channel, I find myself being moved by some of the talks I hear.  My goal is to find the transcript of those talk, print them out, and study them, especially when I feel down or in need of extra incouragement. 

As this is an important journey for me I will be sharing updates on this blog. One reason for doing so is a sense of accountability—if someone knows what I am planning on doing, than I am more likely to do it. Also, I’m a really bad journal writer so this will serve as my journal as well. I know as I do these things, I will find my joy again and be a better wife, mother, and disciple of Jesus Christ.   Maybe you can learn something from my journey closer to Christ.

Spiritual Snapshot--Did you know Jesus loves you?

Today in church Miles was looking at pictures of Jesus.  I leaned down and whispered in his ear "Did you know Jesus loves you?"  Without hesitation and with a big smile he said "Yes."  I then asked "Did you know you will get to be with Him again one day?"  Again, without hesitation and in his sweet childlike voice said, "Yes."  Oh, the faith of a child!

It got me thinking...can I answer those questions with that much conviction and without hesitation.  DO I KNOW THAT JESUS LOVES ME?  Deep down I know this without a doubt.  There are times, however, when I have to think about that answer for a minute.  When life gets hard, or I feel very alone in my trials, there are times when I hesitate with that answer.  Do I know that Jesus loves me even though I am infertile and can't have anymore biological children?  Do I know that Jesus loves me when we are waiting/searching/hoping to grow our family through adoption?  YES, I DO!   I wouldn't be able to survive the tests and trials in my life without that knowledge.  I truly know that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me and who gave his only begotten Son to suffer and die for my sins, my pains, my sorrows.  I have a Savior who knows everything that I am feeling.  He understands me perfectly.  Even when I don't understand all that I am going through, I know that if I just lean on my Savior He will help carry me.  He will "lead me, guide me, walk beside me, [and] help me find the way."  He will "teach me all that I must do to live with [Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ] someday." (I am a Child of God, Primary Children's Songbook, p. 2--http://www.lds.org/music/library/childrens-songbook/i-am-a-child-of-god?lang=eng)
So yes, even though I may not always say it with conviction, I will ALWAYS say it.  I know Jesus loves me.

DO I KNOW THAT I WILL GET TO BE WITH HIM AGAIN ONE DAY?  This isn't something that I think of often.  It seems too far away to think about.  Daily life tends to make me forget this fact.  But it's TRUE!!  One day I will get to be with my Savior again.  I will be able to bow down before him and bathe His feet with my tears.  I KNOW I WILL!  I want to live my life in such a way that will prompt Him to say when we do meet "Well done, though good and faithful servant..." (St. Matthew 25:21)  I honestly can't wait for the day when I can see Him face to face.  What a glorious day that will be!  Do I want it to happen any time soon?  No!!!  I still have so much I need to work on to become better.  I still have so much to learn about giving my burdens to Him and trusting Him.  I'm not ready; but this year I am going to strive to be more ready...to better myself spiritually and live my life in such a way that others will be able to see Christ through me. 

Cooking With Emily--Chicken Noodle Soup & Garlic Cheddar Biscuits

So, those of you who know me know that I am PASSIONATE about cooking.  I grew up with a mother and father who both enjoy cooking and are very good at it.  Mom was wonderful at teaching her children how to cook.  As a result, my brothers and I all love to create amazing dishes.  When our family gets together, one of the first things that's decided is what we are going to eat.  So I decided to blog about it.  So, here you go:

There is nothing like a bowl of soup and warm bread on a cold day.  Friday, when I was at Costco, I picked up a rotisserie chicken for dinner that night.  We only ate about 1/3 of the meat and Chicken Soup sounded wonderful so I saved the carcass.  My chicken soup recipe is kind of a mishmash of several recipes and I honestly just through a bunch of stuff in the pot.  But here are step by step directions for you. My camera is not working at the moment so no pictures this time.

• Take as much meat off the bone of the chicken as you can.  Don't worry about getting it all--it will add flavor to the meat and be much easier to pull of the bones once it's been simmering for awhile.  Cut this meat into about 1 inch pieces, place in a plastic baggie to save for later.
• Place chicken carcass in a medium stockpot.  Fill the stockpot with chicken broth just until the chicken is covered.  (You can also use water and chicken bouillon.  When I do this, I am generous with the chicken bouillon; I use about 4 tablespoons for the stockpot.)
• Add one chopped onion, 2 tablespoons minced garlic, 3 bay leaves, 2 teaspoons basil, 1 teaspoon marjoram (if you don't have this it will be just fine without it!), 2 teaspoons oregano, 1 teaspoon thyme, and 1 teaspoon parsley. 
• Turn heat on to medium and simmer for about 1 1/2 to 2 hours.  (Just long enough that your entire house smells like chicken soup and your stomach starts growling. )
• Remove carcass and any remnants (skin, meat, bones) from the stockpot and set aside to cool.  Once cooled, take the remaining meat from the bones, cut into 1 inch pieces, and add back into your pot.
• Add 3 ribs celery sliced, and 3 carrots, sliced.  Add chicken that you previously cut.
• Cover and simmer until vegetables are tender--about 30-40 minutes.
• Turn heat up and bring mixture to a low simmer.  Add 1 pound egg noodles.  I have used store bought before and they work wonderfully, but it you feel adventurous, see recipe below for homemade noodles.  Cover and simmer until noodles are cooked; about 9 minutes for store bought or 14 for homemade.
• Serve in individual bowls.   You can garnish with fresh parsley if you like.

HOMEMADE EGG NOODLES--Now, I am a novice when it comes to homemade noodles.  They never turn out as pretty as I would like and they are usually thicker than I anticipate.  But they still taste amazing.  (I think there's a lesson there about judging by appearance.)

2 cups all purpose flour, plus extra as needed
3 large eggs, beaten
Water

Yep, that's all the ingredients to making pasta.  Who knew?

1. In a food processor, pulse the flour a few times to aerate.  Add the eggs and process until the dough forms a rough ball, about 30 seconds.
2. If the dough resembles small pebbles, add water, 1/2 teaspoon at a time.  If the dough sticks to the sides of the bowl, add flour, 1 tablespoon at a time and process until the dough forms a rough ball.
3. Turn out the dough ball and any small bits onto a clean counter.  Knead the dough by hand until it is smooth, about 4 minutes.  Cover with plastic wrap and let rest for 15 minutes (or up to 2 hours) before rolling.

The hardest part about these is getting them the right thickness.  Remember that they expand when they cook so you want them thinner than you think they should be.  I have use both a pasta roller and by hand with a rolling pin.  Both work fine.

•  If using a roller, follow the instruction that came with the roller, using the flat roller first and run it through about 3 times to get it the right thickness. (I am usually too impatient and just run it through once--don't be tempted!!  They are better thinner!You should be able to see the outline of your hand through the pasta) and then running it through the fettuccine setting.  You will then cut the noodles in 2 inch pieces. 
• If you are using a rolling pin, lightly flour your counter top.  Roll out dough as thin as you can get it without it tearing or ripping--the thinner the better.  Using a pizza cutter, slice dough into 1/2 inch by 2 inch pieces.
• Separate the noodles and cook according to recipe directions.

GARLIC CHEDDAR CREAM BISCUITS--These are the easiest biscuits I have ever made.  They are a little crispy on the outside and nice and fluffy on the inside.  The secret is not handling the dough too much.  Handle it as little as possible.  If you handle it too much, you will have tough biscuits.

2 cups all purpose flour, plus extra for the counter
2 teaspoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1/2 teaspoon garlic
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 1/2 cups heavy cream (no substitutes!  They won't turn out without the cream...they need the fat.)

1. Adjust the oven rack to the upper-middle position and heat the oven to 450 degrees.  Line a baking sheet with parchment paper (or if you don't have any, just spray the sheet with some non-stick cooking spray.)  Whisk the flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, cayenne, and garlic together in a large bowl.  Stir in the cream with a wooden spoon until the dough forms, about 30 seconds.  Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured counter and gather into a ball.  Knead the dough briefly until smooth, about 30 seconds.
2. Pat the dough into a 3/4-inch-thick circle.  Cut the biscuits into rounds using a 2 1/2-inch biscuit cutter (I don't have a biscuit cutter.  I don't see the point when a drinking glass works just as well).  Place the biscuits on the baking sheet. Bake until golden brown, about 16 minutes.

There you have it!  My homemade Chicken Noodle Soup recipes as well as yummy garlic cheddar biscuits. Bon Appetite!

2012 Family Pictures

So, all of a sudden, it's December and I realize that it's time to get our Christmas cards out.  Only we don't have a current family picture.  At times like this, its WONDERFUL to have a photographer in the family.  My brother and sister-in-law live about 45 minutes away and she is an amazing photographer (although she would tell you otherwise).  She has a wonderful eye for composition and I really feel like she could open her own studio and the business would thrive.  Anyway, I contact her and asked if we could have her take some pictures than scrounged around in our closets for something that coordinated.  Now, Aaron, Miles, and I all have blue eyes.  I absolutely LOVE Miles's huge blue eyes and they just "POP" when he wears blue. So the color was a no-brainer.  Luckily, we all had blue shirts.  Here are some of the results: 

 

There are a lot more but I didn't want to overload this post!  Unfortunately, some of my favorite ones wouldn't upload to the blog.  Oh, well, these are still wonderful.  Needless to say, I am pleaseed with how they turned out!

By way of introduction...

Aaron and I married in the Bountiful LDS Temple on June 20, 2003.  We have been married for 9 ½ years now and it just keeps getting better.  Shortly after we were married, we were ready to take the next step in our relationship—to become parents. The decision to bring children into our home was an easy one.  Five years later, it became clear that Emily's body had failed us that opportunity.

We had many nights of tears as we prayed to know why and begged for a child. But God has a bigger plan for us and He has strengthened us and lifted us up as we strive to seek His will.  We became approved adoptive parents in the fall of 2008.  At that time, we felt very strongly that we needed to use the path of adoption to build our family.  After 5 months or so, we got a very unexpected answer to prayer: we needed to try medical intervention in the form of in-vitro fertilization.  We did and welcomed a beautiful baby boy, Miles Aaron, into our home in February of 2010.  We have since tried several more times using in-vitro to bring a son or a daughter into our home without success.  Recently, we were told that having more biological children will be close to impossible.
As heartbreaking as hearing that news was, our minds immediately turned to the answer we received several years before: we needed to adopt to build our family.  We know that it is His will that we bring a child (or children) into our home through adoption. 

From as early as Emily can remember, she has wanted to be a mother. There has been no other dream or goal so powerful in her life. Aaron has always wanted to be a dad. He loves children and enjoys getting down on their level and helping them feel special. He looks forward to when he can have a houseful of kids to wrestle with, play with, and read to.  We both love watching a child’s eyes light up when they learn something new or feel loved and special.  What a blessing our little Miles has been and we know that any child we receive is a blessing from God and we will cherish that blessing every day.

Our family and our faith is what molds us and keeps us strong and happy.  Both Aaron and Emily were raised in good homes where we were loved and surrounded by loved ones.  While life was never perfect, we never wanted for anything because we knew that our parents loved us, and the God loved us.  Aaron is “the big brother” as the oldest of five.  When we go visit his family, he still tries to take his sisters on “dates” to help them feel special and spend time with them. He has such a kind heart and is sensitive to the needs of those around him. He has a way of making everything all better.  Emily is the “little sister” as the youngest of three and the peacemaker. She wants to see everyone happy and will do whatever she can to make that happen. She's also the organizer and the planner of the family.

Miles is now 2 ½ and is such a joy to our family.  Parenthood is more rewarding then we ever imagined it would be, but also challenging—but we love the challenge!  He has a very sweet disposition and doesn’t like to see people sad.  He is a kind and loving child.  Miles loves to play outside.  He is obsessed with anything related to balls (football and baseball are currently his favorites).  He love to make friends and loves babies.  He will make an amazing big brother one day and we look forward to the day when that can happen.

We love being together as a family.  There is nothing more rewarding than to spend the day doing anything together, whether it’s household chores (Miles loves to “help” with the dishes), yard work, grocery shopping, playing with balls and blocks,  hiking, fishing, reading, or just cuddling up in front of the television. 

We can’t imagine what "our" birth mother, or any mother who is contemplating adoption, is dealing with at this time. We know that the decision about what to do with an unborn child is a difficult one. Know that we pray every night for “our” birth mother, wherever she may be; that she will feel the love our Heavenly Father has for her and that she will be able to feel His arms around her as she struggles in the days and months ahead. 

There is no way to describe how incredibly grateful we are for mothers and fathers who are willing to consider adoption. It is only through this priceless gift that our dream of having more children can come true. Love is the one thing a child can never have too much of. We will love your child and help the baby know who they are: that they are loved by not just us, but by you; and that God loves them. 

All our love,

Aaron, Emily, and Miles