Out of the mouth of babes...

I haven't had very much good to say about my physical body lately. Lately, I have been having horrible sinus headaches from seasonal allergies.  Nothing I have tried to do has alleviated them.  My endometriosis is acting up again.  I am having issues with my fibromyalgia.  I'm not sleeping well, etc.  I have so many things wrong with this human body I have.  We all do.  Not one of us has a physical body that is free of pain, sickness, fatigue, etc

In the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 18, verse 3 Jesus counsels that we are to become as little children. The past couple of nights, when I kneel down with Miles to say his bedtime prayers this is what I have heard: 

"Thank thee for my elbow bending. Thank thee for my head. Thank thee for my back. Thank thee my owie is better.  Thank thee for my bum so I can go potty.  Thanks the for my fingers. Thank thee for my mouth to eat and talk..."

This made me stop and think.  Do I express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father for my body, even through the pain, the illness, and other things it subjects me to? Do I reflect on how amazing it is that my body can heal itself when I get a cut?  Do I revel in the fact that sleep rejuvenates me?  What about being able to type, write, walk, eat, see, hear, etc?  In 1 Corinthians, Paul counsels that we are temples.  Do I treat my body as a temple?  Do you?

I used to teach music to the children at church.  One of the songs I was blessed to teach them is called "The Lord Gave Me A Temple."    It popped into my head as I was praying last night, trying to "rectify" my not expressing gratitude for my physical body, even with its limitations, illnesses, frailties, etc. What a tender reminder of how important our physical bodies are.

 Working in the medical field and Aaron working in the medical field give us opportunities to marvel at the human body.  Elder Russell M. Nelson, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was a heart surgeon before becoming an apostle.  Do you want to marvel at how amazing your body is?  Read this:  http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=939

We have been given an amazing gift from our Heavenly Father to be able to have a body of flesh and bone.  I know that I am going to strive more each day to remember the good things about this "temple" I have been given instead of dwelling on its cracks, nicks, and bruises.  I hope you will too.

What's for Dinner?

Aaron and I have been married for almost 11 years.  4 1/2 years of that time, and currently, we work opposite shifts so that one of us is always with Miles and we don't have to pay for childcare.  There are a couple of reasons we do this:  1) no one can take care of our son like his mom or his dad.  We waited so long for him to join our family that we don't want someone else raising him; and 2) Childcare is EXPENSIVE!  I don't work because I want to...I work because we need the additional income to pay the bills.  Because of our schedule, sometimes it is REALLY hard to cook dinner for me and Miles.  It is so much easier to run to McDonalds or just to have peanut butter sandwiches.  I have learned that I do so much better when I HAVE A PLAN.

Those of you who know me, know that I like to plan things.  I am an organizer and a planner.  Ever heard the saying "if you fail to plan you plan to fail"?  Yep, that's why I always have a plan! 

We get paid every two weeks.  A couple of days before payday, I sit down with my cookbooks and internet and plan out the next two weeks of meals with accompanying grocery list. I use a calendar and plug each dinner main dish into a specific day.  This works best for me.  I have tried to just make a list of 14 things, but inevitably nothing sounds good from that list on a particularly tiring day and we eat out.  For me, having a meal assigned to each day keeps me sane.  And because of the planner in me, even if it doesn't sound good I'm going to make it because that is what the calendar says. ☺ Another reason why this works for me is I can take a look at the menu calendar the night before and get out whatever meat needs to thaw.  Again, if something is already thawed by the time I get home from work, I am going to use it that night for dinner.  It all helps me stick to the plan.

I try to keep my menu full of variety.  We have our go-to family favorites that we eat more often than others.  However I really do try and not have the same thing each month. Sounds crazy, but because I LOVE to cook and love trying new recipes, it works. Now, how do you pick what goes where in the week?  Here is my breakdown:

Sunday--crockpot meal. We have church from 11:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.  It is time to eat when we get home.  I have 2 crockpots so if I want roast and mashed potatoes I will put the roast in one and put the potatoes (already mashed and seasoned) in the other to keep them warm.

Monday thru Thursday--I rotate the types of meats each night (chicken, pork, beef, fish, meatless--I really want to start a meatless Monday tradition in stead of just occasionally, but haven't been quite brave enough to try that yet, etc.) We eat more chicken and beef than anything but we usually have pork at least once a week. I also make sure that whatever meal I am making will make enough for leftovers.  Because Aaron and I both work, a meal needs to have 2 meals of leftovers on these days.

Friday--This is my "chill out" night.  Because we don't need leftovers, I keep it simple.  This is usually the night I do fish sticks, corn dogs, grilled cheese sandwiches, boxed mac & cheese and hot dogs, etc.  Because, let's face it, after a long week you just don't want to cook.  One of the reasons I started doing this is because I noticed that Friday evenings were my most challenging night to "eat in".  If I can just throw something together in 10 minutes or so, that's a lot better, and cheaper, than going out.  Now, I don't usually like to used processed foods.  I cook pretty much everything from scratch.  But for me, this is what works. And whatever processed food we are having, I always add a vegetable (if I can get Miles to eat it) and it is definitely more balanced than a fast food joint.

Saturday--I usually plan this day like I do Mondays thru Thursdays.  However, I always take into account if there are any plans for the weekend so I know if it needs to be a crock-pot meal, etc. 

Anyway, that's how I decide what to have what night.  When I fist started planning meals like this, this is what it would look like.  If I know we are going to be eating out because of an event, I plug it into my calendar:

 

Now, I look at the ads for the week, see what's on sale that I can incorporate into my menu, and start adding main dishes. Each time I add a main dish, I look at the recipe and see what ingredients it takes.  I immediately add those ingredients to my shopping list.  I keep my shopping list in an Excel spreadsheet that I have by aisle/department. 

 

Once I am all done with the menu, and to accompanying items needed have been added to my shopping list, I add the staples.  There are certain things that will ALWAYS be on my shopping list:  milk, eggs, cheese, spinach, bananas, yogurt.  From there, I once again look at the ads and put in the items that are on a good sale that I want to stock up on. www.dealstomeals.com is a great site where you can view all the ads for your area and it lets you know if the item on sale is a good sale and if it is a better price than the normal price at Walmart/Sam's/Costco. 

 

I usually do most of my shopping at Walmart because, let's face it, who wants to go to 4 different stores to get the best deals.  There is no need when Walmart will do price-match.  My Walmart does not require me to have my ads with me so I always mark next to the item on my list something like this (PM $1.00).  When I am shopping, I keep the price match items separate in my cart from the regular items.  (Trust me, the checkers and the people behind you will thank you for it!)  I am not a couponer, but if there is a really good sale on say Yoplait yogurt that I want, then I will get online and search for a printable coupon to help me get an even better deal.  If I have a lot of price match items, I try to go to the store at non-peak times so I don't hold up anyone or make anyone frustrated because of the additional delay.

 

Anyway, that is how I know what is for dinner every night. Maybe this will help you.  Whatever you do, just find something that works.  Nothing is worse than using a system of organization/planning that doesn't work for you or seems to make it harder than you want it to be.  Happy menu planning!

 

 

 

 

 



Families are Forever

 

With Mother's Day coming up, I have been reflecting on what a joy it is to me a mother.  My family is the most important thing in the world to me.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints released a proclamation on the importance of the family.  You can read it here. This document touches my heart every time I read it. It helps me realize how important our families are and how important it is to live the way Jesus wants me to live.  It also encourages me to keep the covenants that I have made through baptism and through the ordinances of the temple.

For members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the temple is where are families become forever families.  No cameras are allowed inside a temple once it has been dedicated because it is a sacred place where we help keep ourselves unspotted from the world.  Only worthy members of the church can enter. A member must hold a recommend, which is signed by their ecclesiastical leader that confirms worthiness to enter the House of the Lord. Nothing that is done inside a temple is secret, only sacred.

 

Aaron and I were married in the temple pictured above.  We were married on June 20, 2003--almost 11 years ago now.  It was a beautiful and peaceful ceremony.   When a faithful Latter-day Saint couple gets married, or sealed,  in a temple, it is a sacred ordinance that binds the family together for time and for all eternity.  We get to be with our families forever.  What a powerful blessing this is.  It is also a powerful reminder to continually live the gospel and strive to be more like my Savior.  I want to do nothing to jeopardize me being able to live with Aaron, Miles, and whatever children we bring into our family through adoption forever.  I felt that there would be no greater backdrop for our family pictures than a temple. About a month ago, a dear friend took some family pictures for us in my hometown.  The backdrop for a lot of them is an LDS Temple.   Here are some of my favorites:

 

A Time to Dance

My son loves the show "Dancing With The Stars."  Every night he asks "Dancing on tonight mom?"  [He has done this since he was 18 months old, except back then it was "choo choo stars." (not sure how he got that but I always knew what he meant!)]  If it isn't Monday night, I have to tell him that it's not on and then let him know when it will be on.    He is usually bummed that it's not on but then goes on his merry way until the next day, when the cycle begins again.

Now, when it is Monday night, and we are watching the show, I get in a lot of exercise!  Every time a couple starts to dance, he looks at me and says "Time to dance. mom."  He then makes me get up off the couch and we dance and wiggle and laugh until the couple is done.  Then we sit down to rest.  This happens with every dancer until his bed time.  There are nights when I tell him "Mommy can't dance right now; I need to rest."  I find excuses to be lazy.

How often do we do this in our "real" life?  How often do we make excuses to not enjoy life?  To not dance.  This got me thinking of a Hilary Weeks song that is on a CD I got for Christmas.  It is called "Dancing in the Rain." 

Life can be hard.  We are all going through something hard.  In Ecclesiasties we read To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:....A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; (Ecclesiasties 3:1, 4)  I am really good at the mourning part.  I tend to dwell on my problems.  It is SO easy to get down and discouraged by the circumstances we find ourselves in.  A lot of us like to "live" in that place.  Okay, so maybe like is too strong of a word here, but we still live there.  When we are living in that place, we forget how to enjoy life.  Even when life is hard and you don't see the rainbow, you can't see the light on the horizon, we each need to take time to enjoy the moment.  We need to take time to dance.  There are a lot of things that are hard in my life.  But they are A LOT harder if I don't take the time to count my blessings; to enjoy the little things in life. 

Take a moment to breathe. Get up off the couch and dance.  There is always something beautiful and wonderful going on that you can celebrate.  The time to dance is now.  As the song beautifully put it: Let your dreams know you haven't forgotten them.

Spiritual Snapshot: Peace through Prayer

So, my 4 year old sometimes has scary monster dreams.  There would be times that this would require me to sleep in his bed with him so he would stay calm enough to sleep.  There was a time period where he seemed to have bad dreams every night.  I would lay with him and try to sleep.  Once I thought he was "out", I would try sneaking out of the bed to go back to my much more comfortable bed.  Inevitably though, he would immediately wake and scream that he was scared and needed me.  I can't tell you how many nights I spent sleeping next to him with his arm over me, ensuring I didn't leave.

One night I had had enough.  There must be something else I could do.  So we talked about what had scared him.  Then I said "Do you think Heavenly Father wants you to be scared?"  He replied that no, he wants us to be happy.  I then asked "Did you know Jesus can help you not be scared?"  He got an amazed look on his face.  I then asked him if we should pray that he won't be scared.  He looked at me with his innocent trusting eyes and said "Yes, let's pray." 

So we knelt down right there on his bed and I helped him say a prayer.  Immediately afterward he sighed, said he wasn't scared anymore and cuddled up with his "nees" (blankies--he has 2 he must have to be able to sleep) and went right to sleep. 

We talked about it the next day.  I asked him why he wasn't scared.  He said because Jesus would keep him safe and because we prayed.

Last night, he woke up crying because he had a ghost and a monster dream.  I went in and he said "Say a prayer, mom."  So I did.  He then gave me a hug and told me goodnight.  No prolonged crying...no needing to stay with him, etc.  Immediate peace.  Now this has happened more than once, but it hit me as I was doing my personal devotions this morning.  Do I let the peace of Christ in as fully as my son does?

Jesus tells us to become like little children and I can't help but think this is a VERY good example of that.  How often do we get scared?  How often do the uncertainties of life occupy our minds?  How often do we pray for peace during those instances and then feel like we don't receive it.  I would say that we actually could receive it, if we open our hearts to it.  As humans and as adults who are living in a busy, "wicked" world, we are jaded.  All of us have become pessimists to one degree or another.  I know that I overthink things way too much.  I will pray for peace, yet at the same time continue doing things that fuel my worry.  Do I really believe that He, who knows all that I am feeling and notices even the sparrow, will bring me peace?  YES!!!!!!!!!!  Then why don't I let him?  Why can't I be like my son and just feel...not overthink things...not over analyze things.  Just feel His warmth and His love as He wraps His arms around me.

Peace, especially peace through the atonement of Jesus Christ, is something that I am continually striving for.  After this experience with my son,  I realize that he is teaching me something.  I need to be more like him.  I need to have the faith of a child that it will come.  I need to believe so purely and innocently that Jesus will be there when I close my prayer.  I need to let Him in. 

Let us all strive to be more humble and teachable and childlike in our prayers and in our faith.  The Savior said, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27).  He promised us His peace!!  Miles taught me an amazing lesson last night...that the peace is there.  I just have to open my heart to feel it.

The "LOOK FOR THE GOOD" Challenge

Aaron and I have been together for 11 years.  Because of our schedules (which are as blessing because we have never had to have daycare for Miles) we only really see each other on weekends. While we were dating, our schedules were the same. I remember leaving love notes on his car while he was at work.  Or on my way to work in the morning, I would put a note on his car then.  Just to let him know I was thinking about him.  Just to let him know I cared.  When was the last time I left my husband a love note?  When did I stop looking for little ways to show him how much he means to me?  When did I let only “holidays” dictate when I expressed my love.  Why has 11 years and a son changed how we were?

 

When you first fall in love, it is EASY to go the extra mile. Because it’s such a new feeling, it’s fun to share.  After a while, the newness wears off and I think we take it for granted that our significant other knows how we feel.  I know I am a very practical person and often don’t think beyond  my to-dos to see where I can reach out again.

 

Aaron means the world to me!  He has been there for me through thick and thin.  He was there supporting me when I suffered some debilitating health issues.  He has been there by my side through infertility.  He has stood by me when I felt like a failure.  He has been loving and compassionate when I’ve not been very loveable.  He has encouraged me when I have felt that I don’t matter to God, or to anyone.  He stayed by my side when I told him to leave me to find another woman that could “give” him children.  He loves me: unconditionally, passionately, tenderly, healingly.  He is my rock.  I know that no matter what my mood is or how I treat him, he will love me and cherish me anyway.  And I love him the same way.  He is my breath. He is my joy.  He is my stability. He is my calm in the storm. 

 

But how often do I tell him those things?  How often do I take the time to notice all the things he does for me and thank him for being him? For doing the laundry and dishes? For being such an AMAZING father? 

 

It’s time to go back to our courting days.  It’s time for each and every one of us to look at our partner and see the good!  It is so easy to focus on the negative. To see all the ways he/she annoys us.  Satan wants us to do that.  He does not want your family to be happy.  He does not want it to thrive.  The easiest way for him to break up a family is by negativity.  President Gordon B Hinckley, 15^th prophet of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said “I am asking that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we ‘accentuate the positive.’ I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort.” (https://www.lds.org/new-era/2001/07/words-of-the-prophet-the-spirit-of-optimism?lang=eng)  As we cease to find fault with one another, we will open our eyes to the goodness of those we love.  This doesn’t only pertain to our relationship with our significant other, but with our children, our parents, our siblings…even our coworkers.

 

Now, this might sound Pollyanna-ish to you.  Maybe it is.  But try it.  Join me in an experiment.  The next time you see something that your spouse, child, parent does that annoys you…STOP. Immediately think of something positive about them.  For every negative thought you think, think of 2 positive things.  It will be hard to begin with, but I am confident that we can do it.  Then, take a moment to share that positive thing with that person.  It may be a note; it may be a text; it may be a phone call.  It may be a hug.  Whatever it is, make it a point to say it!  I am confident that it will strengthen your relationship with one another.  You will also be surprised at how quickly it rubs off.

 

Just like a bad mood and a negative attitude is contagious.  Have you heard the saying “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy?” Well, the opposite is true.  You will be amazed at how quickly the mood and atmosphere in your home changes.  You will be surprised at how quickly this becomes a habit and you become a more positive and loving person.

 

I’ll be honest, this is not an easy thing for me.  Growing up, I tended to be a lot more positive than I am now.  “Life” has taken its toll.  I have become a realist (that’s a nice way of saying I am often a negative Nancy!).  Just because life isn’t how we planned it, just because someone isn’t the person we thought they were,  doesn’t me that you have a pitiful life.  It just means you are human and you have a life that is just like the rest of us. 

 

Life is not just meant to be endured; it is meant to be enjoyed. So, let’s do it together.  Let’s ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE and strengthen our relationships in the process.

Spiritual Snapshot: PRAYER

Aaron and I teach the 4 and 5 year olds at church. Every Sunday is a new adventure. This Sunday, the lesson is on PRAYER. As I read the lesson it got me thinking about prayer and the effect it has had on my life in just the past couple of weeks.

This week I received a very distinct answer to prayer. My job had become a source of depression and stress for me. I wasn’t happy. The uncertainty due to restructuring and added responsibilities due to staff reduction measures was turning me into a not-so-happy person. However, I felt stuck. I have been very blessed to be able to work an almost full time schedule that is opposite of Aaron’s. Miles has always been with one of us. This truly has been a huge blessing and it is not something that I was or am willing to compromise. This makes finding a new job very difficult. Most employers want part-time (no more than 20 hours a week) or full time. There is not much that falls in the 30 hours a week category.

So I prayed. I prayed that Aaron would find a job that would make enough money that I wouldn’t have to work. I prayed that my essential oil business would take off and out of the blue start making enough to replace my income so I could stay home. What I didn’t pray for at the time was to find another career opportunity that would fit our schedule and salary requirements.

Well, prayer is a funny thing. In the Bible Dictionary of the King James Version of the Holy Bible that is published by the LDS church you find the following under PRAYER: “Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them.” Of course being a stay-at-home mom is Heavenly Father’s will, right? My desires were righteous. I wanted nothing more than to be able to walk out of my current position one day into full-time mommy-hood. 

Well, it is really hard to know what our Heavenly Father’s will for our lives is. Our desires may be good. They may be righteous. But it may not be what He has in store for us. I started becoming even more depressed and started questioning the power of my faith. If I had enough faith, I wouldn’t have to work anymore. My prayer would be answered.

It took a really bad week at work for me to reevaluate my outlook. Heavenly Father put it into my heart at that time that I was asking for the wrong thing. It was time to start looking for another job. This wasn’t my ultimate goal, but my unhappiness was affecting my family life and my ability to be a mother. I had to do something. So I started applying for jobs.

 Out of the blue, a former coworker contacted me about a position that she thought I would be perfect for. It didn’t sound like it would work for me, but I sent her my resume to forward on to her friend who was looking. I went for a first interview and came away disappointed because it was a large decrease in pay as well as hours. I knew it wasn’t something we could do. The next day, the lady I interviewed with called and wanted to schedule an interview with the Executive Vice President (my former coworker’s friend). I told her that while I appreciated their interest, I just couldn’t make it work financially. She said that there may be some wiggle room if I was willing to compromise as well. She stated several times that Mr. Smith (name has been changed) really wanted to meet with me. So I agreed to meet with him in 2 days.

Those next two days were filled with prayer. But this time, it was me praying to understand Heavenly Father’s will; Asking for help in moving forward; Asking for guidance about this new opportunity. Long story short, I was offered the position for the salary and the hours that I needed. There was no hesitation in accepting their offer. Especially when he said the words “Family comes first in everything we do around here.” If I have to work, this is who I want to work for. The position is one that I am super excited about. I get to utilize a lot of skills and training that has lain dormant for a while. I get to do a job that involves where my heart lies and that I can be passionate about—almost as passionate as being a mommy.

Our Heavenly Father knows us. He hears our prayers and He answers them. The answers may not come in the way we expect or think we deserve or want…but they do come. I am so grateful for that knowledge. It is so easy to get discouraged when we feel like we are not being heard. This example is just one of many. But he does hear me. He loves me. And if I listen, my will slowly becomes swallowed up in His and I become closer to Him, and closer to my Savior.

What an amazing blessing prayer is!

FItting the mold.

So, I realized today that it has been a REALLY REALLY long time since I have posted on our adoption blog.  The past 8 months have been a crazy roller coaster ride for me.  I have dealt with some depression and anxiety issues, some self-worth issues, health issues, and some other personal issues.  Thanks to a loving and supportive husband, the power of the priesthood, and my Savior, I have made it through and am better for it.  I am stronger and more sure of the love my Heaven'y Father has for me and for all His children.

Did you know that you are loved?  You are loved more than you will ever know.  You are loved for just who you are.  You don't have to be someone different. You don't have to look a certain way or act a certain way for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to love you.  They love you unconditionally, no matter what.  They love you for where you are at and for what you can become.  Oftentimes, I think we get caught up in the trappings of life and try to fit the "mold" of what a successful, happy person is and when we don't meet that "standard", we beat ourselves up.   We have got to stop doing this!!!!!  We don't have to be perfect!  And who says that what Jenny down the street says or portrays as perfection and happiness really is?  You don't know what inner struggles of her own she is hiding behind the "perfect" facade.  President Henry B. Eyring, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, once said that if you treated everyone you meet like they were dealing with a harder trial than you were, most of the time you would be right.

That sister that you see at church whose kids are wearing perfectly pressed clothing and their hair is perfectly coiffed?  She may be dealing with financial issues, depression, marital issues, or a chronic illness  That woman that seems to talk to everyone and seems so outgoing?  She may be dealing with loneliness and just wants a real friend to really care about her.  Mother Theresa wisely said that when you judge people, you don't have time to love them.

Now, I am guilty of this.  I tend to "size a person up" and decide what they are like after the first meeting or two.  This is something I work on frequently and that my Heavenly Father helps me with constantly.  That is one thing I have learned in these past 8 months is that there are sweet caring, loving, people out there that don't fit the "mold" of what life should look like.  AND THAT'S OKAY!!  In fact, that's GREAT!!!  We need diversity!  The problem becomes even more prevalent when we judge ourselves from that same mold.  To be honest, most of my struggles (besides wacky hormones and only seeing my husband on weekends) were because I don't fit the typical mold that I want to fit in.

I am not a stay-at-home mom.  DO I want to be?  More than anything in the world!  Are we working toward that goal?  Yes!  But for now, we have the best of both worlds.  I work 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. while my husband works 2:30 p.m. to 11:00 p.m.  Do I miss my husband and time together as a family?  Yes!  Do I miss being able to take an evening off during the week to have a girl's night?  Yes!  But how blessed are we that Aaron gets to spend one-on-one time with our amazing 3 1/2 year old son EVERY DAY!  Aaron is such an amazing father and has such a strong bond with Miles.  That bond would not be as strong if we fit the "mold" I have in my head of the perfect family.

I am 33 years old and only have one child.  My "mold" said that I should have 3 or 4 children by the time I was 30.  I was going to be done having kids by then.  In a way, I achieved that goal because Miles was born a few months before I turned 30.  I won't PHYSICALLY have any more children.  This wasn't how I pictured things going.

But that is OKAY!!!!!!!!  I am actually very grateful that my life didn't fit into the mold that I had for myself and my family.  I would have missed out on some of the most amazing and purifying moments of my life.  I would not be the mother or wife that I am today without what we have gone through.  I would not be as close to my Savior had my life fit into that perfect mold that I wanted.

I was watching the sunrise from work the other morning (yes, I am up that early). It was an amazing sunrise.  The sky was a violet blue with orange and pink clouds.  I recalled a sunrise devotional I went to as a youth while at a girl's camp.  The speaker asked us to look at the sunrise and tell her why it was beautiful.  WE threw out all different ideas.  She then posed the question "If you took the clouds away, would it be as pretty?"  It is the clouds that make a sunrise or a sunset so beautiful.  This is like our lives.  The clouds are our trials and weaknesses.  Without them our lives would be a bit boring and not nearly as beautiful as it could be.

So, be thankful for the clouds.  Embrace the things in your life that thrust you from how you pictured your life.  Heavenly Father knows you and loves you.  He wants what is best for you.  He is helping you become the person you are supposed to become. Life will be hard. It will not go how you expect it to.  That is okay.  Love life. Enjoy it. And love all those around you as they live their very different lives. Do not judge them or yourself.  Remember you are loved.

Those are the things I have learned through my 8 month hiatus from this blog.  

Introspection & a commitment to change

Becoming an adoptive parent is daunting and it tends to make me want to just put my best self forward—hence the big gap in posts here on this blog. I have not been feeling at my best; actually I’ve been feeling pretty worthless; but I feel the need to be completely transparent and let all see my weaknesses as well as my strengths. So, here is what I have been dealing with lately.

As I sit to write this post, my heart is turned inward. The past few months have been a struggle for me. On one hand, I have reached peace regarding the fact that I am unable to physically bear more children. In the past, when someone has shared with me the joyous news of their pregnancy I am happy for them in the moment but as soon as I am away from them I break down, so sorrowful for my own inability to conceive. A month or so ago, my best friend called me to let me know she was expecting. I was so thrilled for her. I hung up the phone, expecting tears, but none came. The knowledge that I have that we are supposed to grow our family through adoption was prevalent in my mind and my heart didn’t hurt for what I did not have. What a breakthrough this was!

 

Unfortunately, even though I have been at peace with the course our life is taking I find myself floundering.  I have felt far from my Heavenly Father. I know in my heart and mind that what I need to do is immerse myself in his teachings and his love. And I need to serve others. However, the motivation is gone. The desire to do better has waned.

 

I had a huge wake-up call yesterday at church. As I sat there alone, I felt the deep loneliness of a lost sheep. No, I’m not questioning my testimony. I know without a doubt that Jesus Christ is my Savior; that God is my Heavenly Father; and that their love for me is eternal. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is his true and living gospel on the earth today. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that he saw God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ in answer to his humble prayer about which church he should join. I know that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. I know all these things—not just believe—but KNOW. I have not lost that certainty. But I have lost the comfort and peace and the joy that the gospel used to bring.

 

The quote from President Spencer W. Kimball came to my mind: “I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns. I find myself loving more intensely those whom I must love with all my heart and mind and strength, and loving them more, I find it easier to abide their counsel.”

 

So, here is my plan of action. I will be taking a journey to become closer to my Savior and find that joy again.

I will be in the scriptures daily;

not just listening to them while at work.

 

I will read the book “Becoming His” by Emily Freeman

& apply its principles into my life so I can become his disciple and reacquaint myself with him.

 

I will study the lessons in advance each Sunday so that the Holy Ghost can speak to me the things I need to learn (I have already been reading them but not studying them).

 

I will pray for opportunities to look outside myself and serve those around me.

 

I will also be compiling a binder of talks that I have listened to that have inspired me. At work while I listen to the Mormon Channel, I find myself being moved by some of the talks I hear.  My goal is to find the transcript of those talk, print them out, and study them, especially when I feel down or in need of extra incouragement. 

As this is an important journey for me I will be sharing updates on this blog. One reason for doing so is a sense of accountability—if someone knows what I am planning on doing, than I am more likely to do it. Also, I’m a really bad journal writer so this will serve as my journal as well. I know as I do these things, I will find my joy again and be a better wife, mother, and disciple of Jesus Christ.   Maybe you can learn something from my journey closer to Christ.