As I sit to write this post, my heart is turned inward. The past few months have been a struggle for me. On one hand, I have reached peace regarding the fact that I am unable to physically bear more children. In the past, when someone has shared with me the joyous news of their pregnancy I am happy for them in the moment but as soon as I am away from them I break down, so sorrowful for my own inability to conceive. A month or so ago, my best friend called me to let me know she was expecting. I was so thrilled for her. I hung up the phone, expecting tears, but none came. The knowledge that I have that we are supposed to grow our family through adoption was prevalent in my mind and my heart didn’t hurt for what I did not have. What a breakthrough this was!
Unfortunately, even though I have been at peace with the course our life is taking I find myself floundering. I have felt far from my Heavenly Father. I know in my heart and mind that what I need to do is immerse myself in his teachings and his love. And I need to serve others. However, the motivation is gone. The desire to do better has waned.
I had a huge wake-up call yesterday at church. As I sat there alone, I felt the deep loneliness of a lost sheep. No, I’m not questioning my testimony. I know without a doubt that Jesus Christ is my Savior; that God is my Heavenly Father; and that their love for me is eternal. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is his true and living gospel on the earth today. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that he saw God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ in answer to his humble prayer about which church he should join. I know that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. I know all these things—not just believe—but KNOW. I have not lost that certainty. But I have lost the comfort and peace and the joy that the gospel used to bring.
The quote from President Spencer W. Kimball came to my mind: “I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns. I find myself loving more intensely those whom I must love with all my heart and mind and strength, and loving them more, I find it easier to abide their counsel.”
So, here is my plan of action. I will be taking a journey to become closer to my Savior and find that joy again.
I will be in the scriptures daily;
not just listening to them while at work.
I will read the book “Becoming His” by Emily Freeman
& apply its principles into my life so I can become his disciple and reacquaint myself with him.
I will study the lessons in advance each Sunday so that the Holy Ghost can speak to me the things I need to learn (I have already been reading them but not studying them).
I will pray for opportunities to look outside myself and serve those around me.
I will also be compiling a binder of talks that I have listened to that have inspired me. At work while I listen to the Mormon Channel, I find myself being moved by some of the talks I hear. My goal is to find the transcript of those talk, print them out, and study them, especially when I feel down or in need of extra incouragement.
As this is an important journey for me I will be sharing updates on this blog. One reason for doing so is a sense of accountability—if someone knows what I am planning on doing, than I am more likely to do it. Also, I’m a really bad journal writer so this will serve as my journal as well. I know as I do these things, I will find my joy again and be a better wife, mother, and disciple of Jesus Christ. Maybe you can learn something from my journey closer to Christ.
