FItting the mold.

So, I realized today that it has been a REALLY REALLY long time since I have posted on our adoption blog.  The past 8 months have been a crazy roller coaster ride for me.  I have dealt with some depression and anxiety issues, some self-worth issues, health issues, and some other personal issues.  Thanks to a loving and supportive husband, the power of the priesthood, and my Savior, I have made it through and am better for it.  I am stronger and more sure of the love my Heaven'y Father has for me and for all His children.

Did you know that you are loved?  You are loved more than you will ever know.  You are loved for just who you are.  You don't have to be someone different. You don't have to look a certain way or act a certain way for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to love you.  They love you unconditionally, no matter what.  They love you for where you are at and for what you can become.  Oftentimes, I think we get caught up in the trappings of life and try to fit the "mold" of what a successful, happy person is and when we don't meet that "standard", we beat ourselves up.   We have got to stop doing this!!!!!  We don't have to be perfect!  And who says that what Jenny down the street says or portrays as perfection and happiness really is?  You don't know what inner struggles of her own she is hiding behind the "perfect" facade.  President Henry B. Eyring, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, once said that if you treated everyone you meet like they were dealing with a harder trial than you were, most of the time you would be right.

That sister that you see at church whose kids are wearing perfectly pressed clothing and their hair is perfectly coiffed?  She may be dealing with financial issues, depression, marital issues, or a chronic illness  That woman that seems to talk to everyone and seems so outgoing?  She may be dealing with loneliness and just wants a real friend to really care about her.  Mother Theresa wisely said that when you judge people, you don't have time to love them.

Now, I am guilty of this.  I tend to "size a person up" and decide what they are like after the first meeting or two.  This is something I work on frequently and that my Heavenly Father helps me with constantly.  That is one thing I have learned in these past 8 months is that there are sweet caring, loving, people out there that don't fit the "mold" of what life should look like.  AND THAT'S OKAY!!  In fact, that's GREAT!!!  We need diversity!  The problem becomes even more prevalent when we judge ourselves from that same mold.  To be honest, most of my struggles (besides wacky hormones and only seeing my husband on weekends) were because I don't fit the typical mold that I want to fit in.

I am not a stay-at-home mom.  DO I want to be?  More than anything in the world!  Are we working toward that goal?  Yes!  But for now, we have the best of both worlds.  I work 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. while my husband works 2:30 p.m. to 11:00 p.m.  Do I miss my husband and time together as a family?  Yes!  Do I miss being able to take an evening off during the week to have a girl's night?  Yes!  But how blessed are we that Aaron gets to spend one-on-one time with our amazing 3 1/2 year old son EVERY DAY!  Aaron is such an amazing father and has such a strong bond with Miles.  That bond would not be as strong if we fit the "mold" I have in my head of the perfect family.

I am 33 years old and only have one child.  My "mold" said that I should have 3 or 4 children by the time I was 30.  I was going to be done having kids by then.  In a way, I achieved that goal because Miles was born a few months before I turned 30.  I won't PHYSICALLY have any more children.  This wasn't how I pictured things going.

But that is OKAY!!!!!!!!  I am actually very grateful that my life didn't fit into the mold that I had for myself and my family.  I would have missed out on some of the most amazing and purifying moments of my life.  I would not be the mother or wife that I am today without what we have gone through.  I would not be as close to my Savior had my life fit into that perfect mold that I wanted.

I was watching the sunrise from work the other morning (yes, I am up that early). It was an amazing sunrise.  The sky was a violet blue with orange and pink clouds.  I recalled a sunrise devotional I went to as a youth while at a girl's camp.  The speaker asked us to look at the sunrise and tell her why it was beautiful.  WE threw out all different ideas.  She then posed the question "If you took the clouds away, would it be as pretty?"  It is the clouds that make a sunrise or a sunset so beautiful.  This is like our lives.  The clouds are our trials and weaknesses.  Without them our lives would be a bit boring and not nearly as beautiful as it could be.

So, be thankful for the clouds.  Embrace the things in your life that thrust you from how you pictured your life.  Heavenly Father knows you and loves you.  He wants what is best for you.  He is helping you become the person you are supposed to become. Life will be hard. It will not go how you expect it to.  That is okay.  Love life. Enjoy it. And love all those around you as they live their very different lives. Do not judge them or yourself.  Remember you are loved.

Those are the things I have learned through my 8 month hiatus from this blog.  

Introspection & a commitment to change

Becoming an adoptive parent is daunting and it tends to make me want to just put my best self forward—hence the big gap in posts here on this blog. I have not been feeling at my best; actually I’ve been feeling pretty worthless; but I feel the need to be completely transparent and let all see my weaknesses as well as my strengths. So, here is what I have been dealing with lately.

As I sit to write this post, my heart is turned inward. The past few months have been a struggle for me. On one hand, I have reached peace regarding the fact that I am unable to physically bear more children. In the past, when someone has shared with me the joyous news of their pregnancy I am happy for them in the moment but as soon as I am away from them I break down, so sorrowful for my own inability to conceive. A month or so ago, my best friend called me to let me know she was expecting. I was so thrilled for her. I hung up the phone, expecting tears, but none came. The knowledge that I have that we are supposed to grow our family through adoption was prevalent in my mind and my heart didn’t hurt for what I did not have. What a breakthrough this was!

 

Unfortunately, even though I have been at peace with the course our life is taking I find myself floundering.  I have felt far from my Heavenly Father. I know in my heart and mind that what I need to do is immerse myself in his teachings and his love. And I need to serve others. However, the motivation is gone. The desire to do better has waned.

 

I had a huge wake-up call yesterday at church. As I sat there alone, I felt the deep loneliness of a lost sheep. No, I’m not questioning my testimony. I know without a doubt that Jesus Christ is my Savior; that God is my Heavenly Father; and that their love for me is eternal. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is his true and living gospel on the earth today. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that he saw God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ in answer to his humble prayer about which church he should join. I know that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. I know all these things—not just believe—but KNOW. I have not lost that certainty. But I have lost the comfort and peace and the joy that the gospel used to bring.

 

The quote from President Spencer W. Kimball came to my mind: “I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns. I find myself loving more intensely those whom I must love with all my heart and mind and strength, and loving them more, I find it easier to abide their counsel.”

 

So, here is my plan of action. I will be taking a journey to become closer to my Savior and find that joy again.

I will be in the scriptures daily;

not just listening to them while at work.

 

I will read the book “Becoming His” by Emily Freeman

& apply its principles into my life so I can become his disciple and reacquaint myself with him.

 

I will study the lessons in advance each Sunday so that the Holy Ghost can speak to me the things I need to learn (I have already been reading them but not studying them).

 

I will pray for opportunities to look outside myself and serve those around me.

 

I will also be compiling a binder of talks that I have listened to that have inspired me. At work while I listen to the Mormon Channel, I find myself being moved by some of the talks I hear.  My goal is to find the transcript of those talk, print them out, and study them, especially when I feel down or in need of extra incouragement. 

As this is an important journey for me I will be sharing updates on this blog. One reason for doing so is a sense of accountability—if someone knows what I am planning on doing, than I am more likely to do it. Also, I’m a really bad journal writer so this will serve as my journal as well. I know as I do these things, I will find my joy again and be a better wife, mother, and disciple of Jesus Christ.   Maybe you can learn something from my journey closer to Christ.

Spiritual Snapshot--Did you know Jesus loves you?

Today in church Miles was looking at pictures of Jesus.  I leaned down and whispered in his ear "Did you know Jesus loves you?"  Without hesitation and with a big smile he said "Yes."  I then asked "Did you know you will get to be with Him again one day?"  Again, without hesitation and in his sweet childlike voice said, "Yes."  Oh, the faith of a child!

It got me thinking...can I answer those questions with that much conviction and without hesitation.  DO I KNOW THAT JESUS LOVES ME?  Deep down I know this without a doubt.  There are times, however, when I have to think about that answer for a minute.  When life gets hard, or I feel very alone in my trials, there are times when I hesitate with that answer.  Do I know that Jesus loves me even though I am infertile and can't have anymore biological children?  Do I know that Jesus loves me when we are waiting/searching/hoping to grow our family through adoption?  YES, I DO!   I wouldn't be able to survive the tests and trials in my life without that knowledge.  I truly know that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me and who gave his only begotten Son to suffer and die for my sins, my pains, my sorrows.  I have a Savior who knows everything that I am feeling.  He understands me perfectly.  Even when I don't understand all that I am going through, I know that if I just lean on my Savior He will help carry me.  He will "lead me, guide me, walk beside me, [and] help me find the way."  He will "teach me all that I must do to live with [Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ] someday." (I am a Child of God, Primary Children's Songbook, p. 2--http://www.lds.org/music/library/childrens-songbook/i-am-a-child-of-god?lang=eng)
So yes, even though I may not always say it with conviction, I will ALWAYS say it.  I know Jesus loves me.

DO I KNOW THAT I WILL GET TO BE WITH HIM AGAIN ONE DAY?  This isn't something that I think of often.  It seems too far away to think about.  Daily life tends to make me forget this fact.  But it's TRUE!!  One day I will get to be with my Savior again.  I will be able to bow down before him and bathe His feet with my tears.  I KNOW I WILL!  I want to live my life in such a way that will prompt Him to say when we do meet "Well done, though good and faithful servant..." (St. Matthew 25:21)  I honestly can't wait for the day when I can see Him face to face.  What a glorious day that will be!  Do I want it to happen any time soon?  No!!!  I still have so much I need to work on to become better.  I still have so much to learn about giving my burdens to Him and trusting Him.  I'm not ready; but this year I am going to strive to be more ready...to better myself spiritually and live my life in such a way that others will be able to see Christ through me.